She giggled to herself quietly. What had made her think such a ridiculous idea? She would have better luck finding a Black and Jewish lesbian Republican. So she settled the notion and stored it on the bookcase in the furthest-back part of her mind, forgetting her secret hope that he would change. Things eventually went back to the routine she was accustomed to: work, friends, nights snuggled up with a book and even the occasional date. Laughing over dinner or coffee with an attractive young man. Time well spent, she supposed, but she would most likely go into another fit of giggles contemplating "forever" or marriage. Marriage seemed as practical as purchasing a Victrola; an outdated contract, a world over before she could ever be a part of it.
Her generation was one of shallow obsession and commercialism. They fell in love with a new must-have gadget (cell phone, camera, mp3 player, computer and so forth) only to toss it aside for a newer, sleeker model several months later. What chance does a girl have in a world like that? What is the morale of a generation that is entirely dependent on having the newest, hottest, most-expensive gizmo? Old is obsolete, depleted of all value. How can they understand the concept of forever? Not exactly a word one comes across often in a manufacturer's guarantee. So, she resigned, took a deep breath, closed her eyes and silently said goodbye to fairytales.
Clenching her fists, she fights the fits of passion. Yet somehow that first heavy teardrop cascades down her cheek and it's too late. Her tear duct warden has been overthrown and they come out together in droves. Her fists have stopped fighting and she lets go. For what feels like a lifetime, she sits defeated. Should she throw in the towel? Forget hope, honesty or love? Is the world a place of only pain and cruelty?
Deep in the recesses of her eyes was an orange flicker. A sudden impulse as if she had just been caught ablaze. "No, " she told herself, "It's not over yet. As miserable as I will ever be, at some point I will once more be happy again."
It's a curious thing that the knowledge of life situations are temporary causes such conflicting reactions. In one scenario, she is torn by heartache that nothing lasts, not even love. In the next scenario, she is relieved that her pain will soon come to an end. It is no surprise that people are full of contradictions but perhaps that is merely because their behavior is a reflection of life itself.
The thought she tried to tuck away began to itch in the back of her mind. He was everything she despised: simple minded, arrogant, intolerant and selfish. His virtues were practically non-existant and his vices endless. He was wrong for her and she knew it.
But what if she was right for him? The one to show him unconditional, selfless love. She was about to laugh at herself again. For far too long, she had tried to break into the vault guarding his heart. Many times, his total disregard and lack of respect made her doubt the vault held anything more than empty space. She wanted someone who would do all the things that she would have done for him: take care of her when she was sick, spoil her with gifts when they could afford it, take her places and spend time with her family and friends. That nonsensical dream that he would wake up and realize that she she was his for the taking if he would change, drove her mad.
Her love was for someone who didn't exist. He would never be the man she deserved or wanted. This realization was a great disappointment. She had been certain that it was love and now, all of a sudden: she wasn't sure. How could something so real become fake in a matter of minutes? She had held a ripe fruit in her hands and bitten into hard wax. She was a child at the circus, eyes focused on the man in the glitter suit in the center ring, unaware of the deception and trickery. Her experiences had been a cheap con. All that wasted time was a shiny, sparkling succession of lies.
Heat built up under her eyelids, her body stiffened with anger, she had been a fool. Was the anger more concentrated on him or on herself? After all, she had been stupid enough to allow the hoax to occur. "Love." The thought made her sick. The itching subsided as did her interest in the matter. She now only felt slightly nauseous. The thought that had been earlier placed upon the bookcase was now tossed into a wastebasket in the depths of her mind. No time to dwell on such things. She had grown sick of illusions. It was then that she promised herself not to pay any mind to the ringleaders, despite how charming they might appear. It was her new quest to stray from distraction and seek truth. A new chance to find something real that wouldn't leave her in the dark looking for the trapdoor, hidden mirror or strings. Something that didn't leave her with the taste of wax.
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